All the snark in one place!: My CNBC GOPDebate liveblog transcript

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So you may or may not know that I've been liveblogging the GOP Debates for WNYC's "It's a Free Country" as their Pop & Politics correspondent. In practice, this has meant pounding beers while watching the cavalcade of insanity that passes for the GOP candidates slate, and doing my best to simultaneously peck out snide commentary.

Anyway, with just a few thousand more debates left in this cycle, I've decided to start posting transcripts of my posts (here's a transcript of the actual debate itself, which was hosted by CNBC and titled "Your Money, Your Vote" — hilarious that CNBC misspelled its own anchor's name as "John Hardwood," you totes know that's his porn name, right people?) The highlights of last night's debate: 1. Jon Huntsman's back, did anyone miss him? 2. Herman Cain calling Nancy Pelosi "Princess Nancy" 3. Rick Perry #epicfail. 

And now, your debate, in 60 seconds. 

The debate's about to begin! My fearless predictions on the top three GOP debate ideas to fix the economy: 1—Cut taxes 2—End Medicare/Social Security 3—Ban abortion. 

Oops—the numbering got messed up. Should be 9—Cut taxes 9—End Medicare/Social Security 9—Ban abortion

Uh...was that Food Network's Alton Brown being interviewed as an expert for this debate?

Ha! @BorowitzReport GOP Debate Preview: Michele Bachmann will say that from the moment an egg is fertilized, it has the right to own a gun

Huntsman's back! I totally feel like he should be standing there behind a cardboard box

"Just like 60 minutes is an hour, a dollar is a dollar." #CainsFirmGraspOnObvious

Romney takes a sideswipe at Newt? "I've been married to the same woman for 42 years"

Rick Perry looks intensely focused on the five inches in front of his forehead.

Did Perry just call for the breakup of the banks? Like Newt did, earlier today?

The 40% corporate tax rate is driving jobs out of the country? How does Bachmann explain the huge percentage of companies that pay 0% taxes?

Santorum's 0% taxes for manufacturing makes zero sense. Banks will start setting up basketweaving divisions.

Whoa—the question. Maria B. raises Cain's lady problems: "Why should the U.S. people hire a president with character issues?"

Cain: "And if you'd like to talk about this later, Maria, in private..."

Now a question on Occupy Wall Street. 76% of Americans believe that the economy tilts toward the wealthy.

And Huntsman gets his first question, and answers: I want to be president of the 99%. And the 1%.

Newt: "Occupy Wall Street doesn't have a clue about history". Unlike the Tea Party, which is at least costume-appropriate.

Santorum wants to drill the Marcellus Shale while training coal miners how to program in C++. Or something.

Cain says 999! Everybody drink.

Bachmann: "Freedom should cost at least $10 for every taxpayer, the cost of 2 Happy Meals." It's tax policy via Groupon!

Romney: "Allow this economy to reboot." Romney to America: CTRL ALT DELETE

Newt plays the DeNiro card: You askin' me?

All of a sudden, all the GOP candidates are in favor of breaking up the big banks. Did a check not clear?

Perry's solution to the healthcare crisis: "I guarantee we'll solve it, and we'll save a ton of money."

Calling Minority Leader Pelosi "Princess Nancy," huh? Cain's just really racking up the gender credibility here 

Uh, Newt—Romney said MEDICARE, not MEDICAID should be sent to the states. Medicaid is already run by the states.

Michelle wondering where promised cost savings are from "Obamacare," which will not exist until 2014. #JustgohomealreadyMichelle

I really, really wish Romney would just say "we need to repeal Obamacare and replace it with Romneycare"

Romney stumbles like a drunken sailor all around question related to individual mandate.

RT @benschwartzy: Cain campaign now issuing statement that Pelosi is a "troubled woman" who asked to be called "Princess Nancy."”

Tied for face you most just feel like slapping: Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich 

Romney did not want to remind audience that he collaborated with Ted Kennedy on his healthcare plan. Ha.

"We must have a president who puts the country in front of getting elected" And Romney disqualifies entire Republican field in one swoop

Perry forgets what department he's going to eliminate. "Education, Commerce...uh..." Wow. #EndofLineforPerry

Props to Ron Paul for trying to give Perry hints, though. "EPA?" "No...it's not the EPA."

Gingrich calls for privatizing Social Security, e.g. putting it in the hands of the same people who brought us the global economic meltdown 

Bachmann has no idea what she's talking about, demographically OR economically, when she's talking about SocSecurity.

Huntsman: Obama sucks as a leader. See, a good leader wouldn't hire backstabbing weasels for key positions in his administration

Paul: "Pay for college the way you pay for cellphones!" Um...have the provider give it to you for free with a 2-year subscription?

Perry will "stand up for the young people" by getting rid of the federal student loan program. Our hero, saving kids from debt 

Oh here's the "China sucks" portion of the debate.

And Cain's answer to winning! vs. China? 999. Like it is to everything. #NounVerband999 

Romney: I'll crack down on China—those cheaters! I'll label them. And then they'll copy the labels and sell 'em at half price.

Newt cites Boston Consulting while standing right next to Bain alum Romney. Getting him back for his wife remark.

Romney's position on China is reminiscent of Reagan's joke "I've just signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever."

And now pit boss Jim Cramer is reading a quote about the markets being a casino....

I think that if Jim Cramer traded some of his medication for some of Rick Perry's, both would be better off.

If I'm running the GOP debates, it's 3 frontrunners I'd reduce the field to: Romney, Cain & the um, who's the third one there? Um...oops.

That's it! Until the next one...good night, everyone!

 

 

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